SATURDAY JOKES - 208

 

Ombak Pantai, Kuala Terengganu, Terengganu, Malaysia.

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too!"

 

My love for my wife is like dividing by zero; it cannot be defined! 

 

Yesterday my spouse was berating me for checking my email all day as I work from home.
"You know," she complained, "I think that work rules your life."

"No dear," I replied, "you rule my life... I just prefer to work!"

If we combine my IQ and my wife's body, we would begin a race of super genetic children who would conquer the earth! 



A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Langkawi for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday..."



I am attracted to my woman so strongly; scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force! 



Two men staggered into a pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the bartender, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving!" his pal replied.

 

Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats but all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train had departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). 

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. 

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please!"

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Decision on Sabah PKR chief to be made soon, says Anwar

 

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim (seated, centre) with Sabah PKR leader after a meeting in Kota Kinabalu. - NSTP/MOHD ADAM ARININ

KOTA KINABALU: PKR's top leadership will decide on who will lead its Sabah chapter soon, says party president, Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim.

Speaking to reporters after chairing a meeting with Sabah PKR division chiefs, Anwar said more than 10 names have been submitted for the party's top post in the state.

"They (division chiefs) have given their views and I will share the (party's) decision soon.

"I will refer the matter to the central leadership," he said, adding the leadership always consulted division chiefs and considered their views. - NST

MORE TO COME

Netizens slam 'greedy' onion wholesaler as stockpile rots

 

KUALA LUMPUR: "The greedy hand grasps for more but loses all" is a proverb apt for an onion wholesaler's recent predicament whose entire stockpile by the tonne became rotten over the long Hari Raya break.

A video clip showing thousands of sacks of onions that have sprouted went viral on social media, drawing criticism from the majority of netizens who blamed the business owner for hoarding stock.

The business owner is believed to have purchased and stored the onions in a warehouse, to be sold after the long Raya leave when the demand is higher but found it all spoiled and sprouted.

The video with a caption saying "At the end, all of them started sprouting. Things are very expensive these days", was posted by Mohamad Rizal Rizalafiqah on his Facebook page and has been shared and liked thousands of times, receiving more than 1,400 comments.

In the comments, many were quick to blame the wholesaler for being greedy, trying to hoard stock and sell when the demand and price would be higher.

One comment said that "greedy people always lose", pointing at the wholesaler who allegedly tried to hoard stock at this warehouse.

Another, by Amirul Amsar, said some food items such as potatoes and onions cannot be stored for too long. The same goes for rice, or else rice weevils will start breeding.

Wawa Senget Wawa wrote: "Greedy people always lose. At first it was rice, now onions. Just wait and see how God will repay you one by one for your doings."

Sfiajned Sofia wrote: "Serves you right...it's too expensive. Insane price tags, so let's make a deal and not buy onions."

Meanwhile, Muhammad Afi wrote a sarcastic comment by telling the business owner to "keep more onions", alluding to the sacks of rice that was dumped in Temerloh by a former deputy minister.

"And in the end, everything would just go to waste," he wrote. - NST

MUDA detractors tick off Syed Saddiq for his short memory after claiming Nga dishes out “sweeteners” to KKB folks

 

MUDA president Syed Saddiq Syed Abdul Rahman has come under fire from netizens for accusing Housing and Local Government Minister Nga Kor Ming of “handing out sweeteners” by declaring a RM5.21 mil allocation for Hulu Selangor ahead of the Kuala Kubu Baharu (KKB) state by-election on May 11.

Leading the pack is PKR Youth information chief Nabil Halimi who reminded the Muar MP of dishing out RM4 mil to upgrade sports facilities in his capacity as the then youth and sports minister during the run-up to the Tanjung Piai by-election on Nov 16, 2019.

But Syed Saddiq’s sweetener failed to win the hearts of folks in the parliamentary constituency as Barisan Nasional (BN) who was the then opposition coalition emerged triumphant through MCA’s Wee Jeck Seng in the racially-mixed seat with 57% Malays, 42% Chinese and 1% Indian.

Earlier in his tweet on X (previously Twitter), Syed Saddiq who had officially declared in September last year that MUDA would form a “third force” in the opposition bloc” has invited Nga who is also vice-chairman of DAP which is the three-term incumbent party in KKB to visit Muar which similarly boasts plenty of “ong” and “good feng shui”.

But the post by the founding member of Bersatu who is deemed a blue-eyed boy of twice former premier Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad failed to amaze netizens who basically chastised him for having short memory.

Below are some interesting posts:

In all fairness, however, election watchdog BERSIH (Coalition for Clean and Fair Elections) has slammed Nga’s action as contradicting the principles of fair and ethical competition apart from having violated its guidelines which prohibit conditions, campaigning and candidate involvement in non-caretaker government activities during by-elections.

Prof Ramasamy Palanisamy

Wondering if the Election Commission (EC) will act against Nga for attempting to bribe voters, the United Rights of Malaysian Party (Urimai) interim council chairman Prof Ramasamy Palanisamy claimed that “the Pakatan Harapan (PH)/DAP combo is in the panicky mood because victory is not assured in the KKB by-election”.

“Such an announcement would not have taken place had the country a powerful and an independent EC. But unfortunately, we have is an ‘Election Omission’ that is beholden to the executive in power,” berated the former Penang chief minister II who was also a DAP stalwart.

“If this had happened in countries like India or the US, PH would have forfeited the chance to nominate its candidate. What is more the minister Nga could have been suspended or sacked from the post.” – Focus Malaysia

Zambry calls for ‘ceasefire’ in MMC specialist imbroglio

 

Higher education minister Zambry Abdul Kadi (centre-left) said he and health minister Dzulkefly Ahmad were working hard to resolve issues involving the Malaysian Medical Council and specialists. (Pic courtesy of higher education ministry)

PETALING JAYA: Higher education minister Zambry Abdul Kadir has called for the Malaysian Medical Council (MMC) and specialists to put aside their differences over the issue of the latter’s recognition.

Zambry, who initiated a multi-agency discussion to resolve the imbroglio, said the two sides must come together for the sake of the nation’s “severely stressed” healthcare system.

He said the issue is a complicated matter which needed the cooperation and understanding of all stakeholders to put things right and to save lives instead of feuding.

“I put my foot down at the meeting and told them we cannot let this problem fester,” Zambry, who co-chaired the special meeting with health minister Dzulkefly Ahmad on Thursday, told FMT.

“Otherwise, it’s the sick Malaysians waiting for long periods for treatment who will continue to suffer. The current situation cannot continue unabated, with the nation’s healthcare under severe stress due to the lack of specialists.”

Zambry said Putrajaya would be resolving the matter swiftly with Dzulkefly’s help.

He was asked to comment on the debate in the media between supporters and detractors of the health ministry’s parallel pathway programme. Critics say it is a mistake to recognise graduates linked to international royal colleges.

The MMC is embroiled in a tussle with the parallel pathway specialists and the medical genetics graduates over recognising their qualifications for the purpose of listing them in the National Specialists Register (NSR).

Four cardiothoracic surgeons with qualifications from the Royal College of Surgeons of Edinburgh and six Universiti Sains Malaysia (USM) graduates have filed legal action against the MMC over the dispute. The minister said recognition of all specialist programmes is being looked into.

Zambry said besides his senior officers and those from the health ministry, including its director-general Dr Radzi Abu Hassan, others present included representatives from the MMC, the Attorney-General’s Chambers, and the Malaysian Qualifications Agency (MQA).

He said the general consensus at the meeting was to see a speedy solution to the impasse with everyone agreeing that the urgent need for specialists supersedes everything else.

Asked what would be the next step after this meeting, Zambry said they will be collecting feedback from all those involved before preparing a Cabinet paper with proposals from both ministries.

The issues involved require the attention of several agencies which are inter-related, he said, adding that there were also issues related to the wording of the current laws.

“But the parallel pathway and masters programmes must co-exist to ensure our target of 19,000 graduates by 2030 is met,” he said.

Zambry said he and Dzulkefly were working hard to ensure that all related issues and problems can be resolved immediately. - FMT

PRK KKB: Protes pengundi India mungkin tak ‘tumbangkan’ PH, kata penganalisis

 

Seramai 40,226 pengundi membabitkan Melayu (50%), Cina (30%), India (18%) dan lain-lain (2%) layak menunaikan tanggungjawab pada PRK Kuala Kubu Baharu.

PETALING JAYA: Seorang penganalisis politik berpendapat sebarang tindakan protes daripada pengundi India tidak akan membawa kesan yang besar sehingga mendorong kekalahan Pakatan Harapan (PH) pada PRK Kuala Kubu Baharu bulan depan.

Azmi Hassan dari Akademi Nusantara berkata komuniti India yang mewakili 18% pengundi boleh memilih untuk tidak keluar mengundi atau beralih sokongan kepada calon Perikatan Nasional (PN) sebagai “balasan” kemarahan mereka sejak PRU15.

Azmi Hassan.

“Hakikatnya ketidakpuasan hati itu masih ada dan sudah sampai di kemuncaknya, mungkin beri sedikit masalah kepada calon PH, namun tidak sampai memenangkan PN.

“Pengundi India belum sampai ke peringkat ‘kingmaker’ di kawasan DUN Kuala Kubu Baharu,” katanya kepada FMT.

Tambahnya, ini kerana sokongan Cina yang mewakili 30% pengundi di kawasan itu mungkin masih utuh kepada PH selain ditambah sedikit undi ahli Umno.

Sementara itu, Lau Zhe Wei dari Universiti Islam Antarabangsa Malaysia pula berkata gesaan Parti Bersepakat Hak Rakyat Malaysia (Urimai) untuk “memboikot” calon PH tidak mampu memecah undi dan seterusnya menyebabkan kekalahan parti itu.

“Sesiapa yang datang meletak calon (PRK KKB) dilihat sebagai ugutan yang kuat kerana berpengaruh menjejaskan keputusan undian 50:50 bagi kerusi berkenaan. Ini kerana sebarang pecahan undi akan menyebabkan yang sepatutnya menang jadi kalah.

“Namun gesaan itu sekadar gesaan..tidak akan memberi impak yang besar sangat..Biarpun Urimai ‘turun padang’ sendiri belum tentu dapat menarik undi daripada PH.

Lau Zhe Wei.

“Dengan kata senang, PH menang atau kalah tak akan disebabkan Urimai,” katanya.

Semalam, pengasas Urimai P Ramasamy berkata parti itu hanya akan menasihati pengundi agar tidak menyokong calon DAP PH pada PRK Kuala Kubu Baharu 11 Mei depan ekoran rasa tidak puas hati atas layanan kerajaan perpaduan terhadap masyarakat India.

Bagaimanapun beliau menegaskan parti itu tidak menyekat pengundi terbabit dalam amalan demokrasi, malah boleh membuat keputusan tanpa pengaruh memandangkan tiada hubungan rasmi mahupun tidak rasmi dengan pembangkang, PN. - FMT

Pembangkang sedia runding selepas PM kata tiada syarat sokong beliau

 

PN berharap rundingan dengan kerajaan akan membuka jalan kepada penyaluran peruntukan tanpa syarat kepada semua Ahli Parlimen. (Gambar Bernama)

PETALING JAYA: Perikatan Nasional (PN) sedia berunding dengan kerajaan selepas Perdana Menteri Anwar Ibrahim memberi jaminan tidak akan mengenakan syarat untuk wakil rakyat pembangkang menyokongnya bagi mendapat peruntukan.

Menyifatkannya sebagai langkah ke depan, Naib Presiden Bersatu Ronald Kiandee berkata pembangkang bersedia berunding susulan keterbukaan perdana menteri itu dan berharap perbincangan dengan Timbalan Perdana Menteri Fadillah Yusof membuahkan hasil.

Menurutnya, pihaknya berharap rundingan itu akan membuka jalan kepada penyaluran peruntukan tanpa syarat kepada semua wakil rakyat termasuk pengenalan undang-undang dana itu diberikan bukan atas budi bicara perdana menteri seperti sekarang.

“Baik Ahli Parlimen kerajaan atau pembangkang masing-masing mempunyai peranan untuk bangunkan negara.

“Pihak kami tentu bersedia dan terbuka untuk berbincang lanjut dengan Fadillah,” kata Ahli Parlimen Beluran itu kepada FMT.

Semalam, Anwar yang juga menteri kewangan memberi jaminan kerajaan tidak akan mengenakan syarat untuk pembangkang menyokongnya bagi mendapat peruntukan.

Ahli Parlimen Tambun itu berkata sebaliknya syarat yang bakal terkandung dalam memorandum persefahaman (MoU) itu hanya melibatkan kestabilan kerajaan bagi menjamin ekonomi negara.

Kerajaan ketika ini sedang merangka satu draf MoU bagi menyalurkan peruntukan kepada Ahli Parlimen pembangkang untuk rundingan seterusnya.

Sementara itu, Ketua Pemuda Bersatu Wan Ahmad Fayhsal Wan Ahmad Kamal pula berkata penetapan syarat tertentu dalam MoU hanya akan mengongkong mereka dari menjadi pembangkang yang baik serta melancarkan proses semak imbang.

“Patut tak perlu ada syarat, kerana ini hak rakyat yang mengundi dan bayar cukai,” kata Ahli Parlimen Machang itu.

Tahun lalu, PN tidak meneruskan rundingan peruntukan untuk Ahli Parlimen pembangkang selepas mendakwa Fadillah meminta mereka menulis surat dengan menyatakan jaminan tertentu.

Isu peruntukan kepada wakil rakyat pembangkang menjadi antara alasan enam Ahli Parlimen Bersatu mengalihkan sokongan kepada Anwar.

Mereka terdiri daripada Iskandar Dzulkarnain Abdul Khalid (Kuala Kangsar); Suhaili Abdul Rahman (Labuan); Azizi Abu Naim (Gua Musang); Zahari Kechik (Jeli), Syed Abu Hussin Hafiz Syed Abdul Fasal (Bukit Gantang) dan Dr Zulkafperi Hanapi (Tanjong Karang). - FMT